You have no idea.
As many of you know, I run a dayspa out of my home in rural New Mexico. I figured my little Episode 7 gift to the Burg would be makeover and lifestyle advice to everyone the Spies haven't killed off yet. So relax and grab a cup of chamomile tea! You're a decent looking bunch, but there's a LOT of work to do.
Levi , you look fabulous, darling. You obviously protect your skin from the sun, and you pluck your eyebrows without making it obvious--good job! Too bad you can't wear that hoodie everywhere though, because your male-pattern baldness makes us ladies shiver. Don't despair! Gingko and green tea extract have been proven to push the hairline forward. And if you're suffering in bed too, like most baldies, the gingko plus some yohimbe should set you straight. Or whichever way you swing, sexy.
Oh yeah, don't forget to plump those lips a little with cayenne balm! No one wants to kiss a puss-face!
Boris, you don't look well, dear. Your yellow skin tone and sunken eyes and cheeks are signs of mild malnutrition and too much drinking. Potatoes or vodka--you'll have to choose one and stick to it, sweetheart, cause you can't do both or you'll end up looking like Bela Lugosi.
Your hair's thin, so you should let it grow out and use a real conditioner to give it some body. Not the cheap K-Mart stuff, but something with real jojoba and aloe. And the best way to eliminate those circles under your eyes is to smear Preparation H on the dark spots and then lie back with some clammy teabags over your eyes. I'm sure one of the boys in the Burg can help you with that.
Oswald, honey, I understand you're a little under the weather right now but I'm glad you're looking pink and healthy. The key to healing the body is to stay relaxed, nourished and happy, so be sure to take time out for YOU a couple times a day. Your body's immunity grows stronger when you exercise and eat right, so start the day with a multivitamin fruit and yogurt smoothie, and a shot of wheat grass for extra antioxidants. Soft music boosts immunity more than metal and rock, but if Nine Inch Nails is what makes you happy, rock out! When you're feeling better in a few months, we'll talk about capping those teeth.
William, sweetie, I can tell where you go at 4:20 each day, cause your eyes are glassier than Rey's crystal dildo. Cut back to once or twice a week and you'll be able to read fine print on pseudo bottles again. You're looking a little doughy and your skin is splotching from poor circulation, so take a brisk walk each morning to pump the heart. Once your libido comes back, sex will carry you to fitness and healthy skin. I think Witch Hazel in your hair and on your face will help balance your pH and natural oils and have you looking less like the living dead.
Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen. I know it's politically correct to say chubby is beautiful, dear, but you're cutting a week off your life with each jelly donut. Excess weight leads to diabetes and gout, and a miserable older life watching your high school friends jog circles around your golf cart. You need to nurture yourself, there's nothing wrong with that, but do it with absolutely anything besides food! Buy a kitty or bunny to love, or a Rabbit for your kitty.
Your skin and smile are lovely, and with a soft eyeshadow and a little eyebrow work you could look like Scarlett Johansson! One last tip--never pull your hair back like that, because in some women (and looking at your hairline, you're one of them) the follicles pop out and never grow back in. And don't forget to lotion that neck all the way down from 230 to 150, or you'll get hunted down on Thanksgiving.
Roxy, honey, you need to fire your makeup artist. Yesterday. She's got you looking more like Wesley Snipes than Jada Pinkett, and the big boo-boo is how she handles your T-zone. The overplucked eyebrows draw attention to your nose, and she needs to switch you to a loose mineral powder so that nose doesn't attract moths. More eyeshadow, less liner, and you're a beauty queen. Oh, and never forget the cardinal rule for lithe girls: "Long neck, long earrings."
You seem pretty mellow for a professional fighter, but if you're ever need an instant chill pill, catnip tea with a splash of milk should take the edge off better than whiskey. And you'll be less likely to have creepy bedmates in the morning.
Georgia, I don't know if it's the boys or the studying that's keeping you up late, but you need to get your eight hours a day, girl. The locks are really cute on you, but you definitely look a little drained and pekid. Your skin looks fine, your makeup is minimal but it works for you, so I'd just give yourself a curfew and try to stick to it for a week. You're lovely, dear, and you'll have a wonderful partner someday if you can manage not to chase them off on the first date.
Kirsten, I provide consulting services and spa treatments for $90/hr. I think a package deal is in order, hon--call me.
Amelia, your hair and makeup is chock full of quirk, which I adore. But you can always improve on a good thing. I think a softer lip gloss and eyework might suit you. Even out the foundation on your cheeks and hot oil your hair--it could be so Bettie Page bodacious, but it's looking a little frayed.
Also, quit taking gifts from strangers--it's adding stress and causing wrinkles.
Rey, I have terrible news for you. Your forehead isn't keeping up with the rest of your lovely mug, dear. Every time you change your mind about something, you squint, and it's plowing furrows above your brow. A thick night cream will work, and of course PABA-free sunblock in the morning, but most importantly, settle down and enjoy the moment. Admire the eyelashes on the pretty girl across the table instead of counting them. Type a haiku instead of just another anxious chatspasm:
ariel my dove
how I wish your eyes would close
postpost post post zzzzzzzzzAlso, Nair your upper lip, stud. You're starting to look like Ron Jeremy.
Tiberius--don't touch a thing, sweetie. Particularly those Twinkies. Put 'em down. Now. Yes, your feet are still down there, and you're on track to see them in summer 2012 if you start jogging NOW.
Pete, you're a cutie. I see what you're going for there, and it probably worked for you in graduate school. But this is the real world, hon, and girls will bolt if they think you might know pi to 6 decimal places.
The glasses are too wide and too short, and your face is too long and too thin. This is one of those rare cases when I think aviators and a goatee might actually net you some positive pooty. I love your demeanor--sweet and thoughtful suits you. But if you actually want a hot date instead of a study date, you might want to stock up on leather, Red Bull and cocaine.
Jason, you'll grow out of it eventually. But for now, hon, you're going to have to jump in with both feet--more eyeshadow, huskier lip shade, and a deeper haircolor with a little more oil to tame that frizz. I'm thinking a scar would look great too if you're too chicken to get a tattoo on your face or neck. And whenever you're feeling the urge to cut, take a little serotonin or L-tryptophan to ease the edge back. Eventually you'll realize that confidence is sexy, and you definitely need more wham bam, less glam.
Hmm, I look pretty good in this picture, eyeshadow's a little sparse. But I don't like the flat hair--it makes my nose look big.
Ellis, I hope they have In'n'Out in jail. Eat something, you anorexic cutie. And grow your hair out if you're going to wear hoops, otherwise stick to studs, silly. Also, that turtleneck has you looking French, and that's never good. The stress of Imprisonment is hell on your sperm count, so if you're makin babies any time soon, ginseng and fish oil should have you swimming in happiness.
Thor, we can do so, so much for you if you're willing to think long-term. Your eyes are lovely, but your hair color and skin tone clash dreadfully, your neck is scrawny, and the hair strands are mousy. Drink chocolate milkshakes with raw eggs and work out for the next six months. If you start lifting weights now, by the time you're buffed up a little your hair will be thicker and frame your face better. Wiith those thin lips of yours, you should be sure to show teeth 24-7. And one last little detail--is it too late to change your name?
Khaled, your skin and beard look a little dry, so unless you're a vegetarian, work more fish into your diet. You seem a little tense, so you might want to smoke whatever or whoever you can get your hands on. And definitely lotion up your face every hour or so when you're at the computer all day. I'm sure you have a bottle handy.
Iris, the 70s are <-- that way.
Ariel, your hair's overcolored a little--you might want to have your stylist use less toner. Your eyeshadow's all wrong, but it works because bad girls just don't care. I like how you do your blush--it makes you look positively
dirty. And I don't know what those lips have been wrapped around, but remember what mommy told you--do it long enough and they'll stay like that forever.
Mirela, I'm at a loss. That's either the worst case of frostbite I've ever seen or you're running off to join the circus after this game. If it doesn't work out, come see me and we'll get out the turpentine.
Sam, let's be frank. You're getting some bad fashion advice and it could wreck your career. You're fine on the lip liner and light blush, but I really think you need to let those eyebrows grow out. Obsessing over them while you read sordid confessionals will turn you Tilda Swinton. And speaking of powder, a distinguished wig might be just what you need to help cover your thin patches. No offense, but while white doesn't work on Iris, it'll turn Sam into "Damn!". If it worked for John Malkovich, it can work for you too. Just be careful not to overdo it--there's a fine line between hot and not.
